Years ago, there were times when I used to talk
to my dad. He's been dead for over twenty years now, but if I could quiet
my head, and just free my thought, I could hear his voice telling me which
way to go.
I have been having a tough time again lately.
Many of the same problems as before with weakness, lack of balance, and
tiring so quickly that I will be fine going in to a meeting, but need help
getting back out to the car. On top of that, the feeling in my left hand
seems to be going. My right hand has been a little less sensitive than
before, but my left hand has only been a problem for the last couple of
weeks. At dinner the other night I couldn't use a small fork because I
couldn't feel where it was in my hand.
I have an appointment with a neurologist on
Wednesday and that has turned into full blown terror. All the old fears of
something serious being wrong, of ending back up in a nursing home, etc etc
etc have come back to haunt me again. I sat on the bed today crying in
After everyone else was in bed I got back up and
began to read from the NA basic text. It was step seven that I was on. I
bowed my head and asked my higher power to remove this fear and doubt. As I
sat there, I once again could hear my dad talking to me, telling me that
everything is going to be ok. He reminded me of all the things that I have
to be grateful for, and that I never have to walk this path alone. God
didn't bring me this far just to abandon me now. He was with me in my
darkest hours and he is with me now.
I've missed my dad, especially now when times
are tough, and had stopped listening for his voice. I was doing just fine
on my own I thought, but realize again that nothing I accomplish in life is
ever done alone. I guess I am learning again to turn my will and my life
over, and trust that all will be well, in his way and in his time, and to
trust that all will be well.